i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
