is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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