just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
