Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
