dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
