even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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