The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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