It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
