i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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