So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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