"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
