Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
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It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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