You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
