Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
