it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
