Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
