Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
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We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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