So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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