can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
