you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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