Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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