My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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