singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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