i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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