you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
