New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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