Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This toilet bowl is my home.
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