I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
