So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
