The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
