he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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