when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
