I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
