Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
