I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
