Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
