u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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