Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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