Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
