I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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