You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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