So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
