me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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