maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
