I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
