Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
