Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
