i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
