Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
