i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
