I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
