i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
