wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
