No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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